skip to main |
skip to sidebar
It all came down to this. He had hobbled many many miles to get here, devoured bucket upon bucket of fried chicken consumed gallons and gallons of hooch, sooked and whined and bitched. It had been an arduous journey, and the Majestic Creatures had had enough of him, even though he had just gotten there. Some say Old Man Clancey will never find a home, but I say he's found a home in our hearts, the piggly, balding, big gay baby.
The wind was cold that day, sending a shiver right down my spine. I had spent my last $10 on a jug of Large Marge's Grade A Hooch and I had finally hit rock bottom. How did I come to this conclusion? The peg-legged hooker from Backdoor Alley was introducing me to my son for the first time. He's 28 years old and has a penchant for huffing spoiled milk. He also enjoys reading and long walks on the beach.
Ethel enjoyed writing her stories, but most of all she loved money. Her husband gave her a substantial weekly allowance, but she wanted more, and her husband had quite a large life insurance policy. Her good friend, Darcina, was always telling her to do him in and split the money. But Darcina was a drunk who talked all sorts of crazy talk. Oh but that life insurance...
It was opening night. Everyone was so nervous. Toes were curling, crotches were bulging; so much anticipation for this performance! But the Crotch Bulge Comptroller was on patrol that evening and poor Guenter didn't know what he was in for as he did his mid-air split jump. I'm sad to say that the review of Professor Zulu and the Space Cats from Planet 5 was not a favourable one.
There are only 4 left...
It's the Final Countdown!
Do do do do, do do do do do,
Do do do do, do do do do do do do.
Doodle-o, doodle-o, doodle-o, doodle-o,
Da Dodoot dodoot dodoot do do do dodoot
Doooooooooooooooo Dooooooooooooo!
Little Fritzy was a curious little fish. He had so many questions all of the time and was always excited to try new things. But today Little Fritzy's world was about to change. He was about to experience the harsh realities of the surface world. Once little nibble was all it would take and Little Fritzy would be today's Seafood Surprise at Crazy Ishmaels Cheesy Clam Emporium Restaurant and Nipple Tassel Boutique.
After their bellies were filled with the innocent and the city lay mostly in rubble, the rampaging duo were feeling that life was still unfulfilled. Sure the destruction was fun and all, but what's it all for? So they sat down and started thinking of career choices that best suited them. After much research there was only one conclusion - they were going to Clown College, and no one was getting in their way.
After Carl has stubbed his toe and was put in a full body cast due to his massive injuries he had to be put in the care of his estranged wife, Dolores. What can one say about Dolores? She's certainly no spring chicken and she has the temper of a bull in heat. If only poor Carl had been watching where he was going on that fateful day, he never would have stubbed his toe on a ceramic lawn gnome in front of Big Bill Blaskey's Funtime Truck Stop, and he wouldn't have to feel the sting of Dolores' rolling pin on his testicles.
On a dark and gloomy night the Bag Lady pushed her cart of assorted garbage past the local cemetery. Suddenly two apparitions appeared. Was he frightened? She didn't even notice - she's blind as a bat. But the apparitions noticed her and took off as fast as they could before she had the chance to ask for change. For they were tired of her always hassling them for change, especially since they were saving for a trip to Bermuda.
He had been on his way to Birdie's house. They'd been sleeping together for months. Everyone in McHappyland knew it and it didn't sit well with one particular resident. So he took his chance when he could, and with the help of a friend, he gunned Ronald McDonald down. We always knew he was a loose cannon and that one day his addiction to hamburgers would make him go too far. Now Big Mac was on the case and Mayor McCheese was stopping at nothing to solve this crime. But there had been no witnesses, or at least that's what Hamburglar thought...
Many years ago, two great chefs were on their way to the Mountain Souffle Jamboree Cook Off. They never made it. The roads were treacherous on that fateful Smarch day. And now, on the 13th hour of the 13th day of the 13th month their souls wander this road in hopes that passerby will sample their delicious souffle. Until someone does they will never rest in peace. Or so the legend of Free Willy says.
He cut him down in Nebraska, but then the bitch got up and started running. He ran through 37 of 50 states and now the end seemed near in Arizona. If only he could make it to the cliff he could tumble into the river, then the sea, then China, then FREEDOM!
They stole his father and hung him in a cage. If he didn't act fast, his dad would be shark food. He took on the Evil Dr. Kinevilstein's entire army to get here, to his jungle compound. But one man stood in his way - His BROTHER! The betrayal cut deep and was sprinkled with salt. Mmmmmm... salt rabbit...
Old Mr. Lambert had the most souped-up walker around. He was the envy of all the senior citizens in Bent Spoon Gulch Retirement Home. But Old Pierre Crotchensen had had enough of Lamberts flaunting. He knew his walker was just flashy and for keeping up appearances. So he challenged Lambert to a race, a true Tour de Force. This would settle it once and for all. And if not, he'll spike Lamberts Metamucil with Drano. That'll teach that piggly S.O.B.
