The Cometh Has Returneth

Battle Royale

It all came down to this. He had hobbled many many miles to get here, devoured bucket upon bucket of fried chicken consumed gallons and gallons of hooch, sooked and whined and bitched. It had been an arduous journey, and the Majestic Creatures had had enough of him, even though he had just gotten there. Some say Old Man Clancey will never find a home, but I say he's found a home in our hearts, the piggly, balding, big gay baby.

Rainy Day Bebop

The wind was cold that day, sending a shiver right down my spine. I had spent my last $10 on a jug of Large Marge's Grade A Hooch and I had finally hit rock bottom. How did I come to this conclusion? The peg-legged hooker from Backdoor Alley was introducing me to my son for the first time. He's 28 years old and has a penchant for huffing spoiled milk. He also enjoys reading and long walks on the beach.

Murder, She Wrote

Ethel enjoyed writing her stories, but most of all she loved money. Her husband gave her a substantial weekly allowance, but she wanted more, and her husband had quite a large life insurance policy. Her good friend, Darcina, was always telling her to do him in and split the money. But Darcina was a drunk who talked all sorts of crazy talk. Oh but that life insurance...

The Nutcracker

It was opening night. Everyone was so nervous. Toes were curling, crotches were bulging; so much anticipation for this performance! But the Crotch Bulge Comptroller was on patrol that evening and poor Guenter didn't know what he was in for as he did his mid-air split jump. I'm sad to say that the review of Professor Zulu and the Space Cats from Planet 5 was not a favourable one.

The Final Countdown

There are only 4 left...


It's the Final Countdown!

Do do do do, do do do do do,

Do do do do, do do do do do do do.

Doodle-o, doodle-o, doodle-o, doodle-o,

Da Dodoot dodoot dodoot do do do dodoot

Doooooooooooooooo Dooooooooooooo!

Little Fritzy Takes The Bait

Little Fritzy was a curious little fish. He had so many questions all of the time and was always excited to try new things. But today Little Fritzy's world was about to change. He was about to experience the harsh realities of the surface world. Once little nibble was all it would take and Little Fritzy would be today's Seafood Surprise at Crazy Ishmaels Cheesy Clam Emporium Restaurant and Nipple Tassel Boutique.

After The Rampage

After their bellies were filled with the innocent and the city lay mostly in rubble, the rampaging duo were feeling that life was still unfulfilled. Sure the destruction was fun and all, but what's it all for? So they sat down and started thinking of career choices that best suited them. After much research there was only one conclusion - they were going to Clown College, and no one was getting in their way.

Misery Hates Company

After Carl has stubbed his toe and was put in a full body cast due to his massive injuries he had to be put in the care of his estranged wife, Dolores. What can one say about Dolores? She's certainly no spring chicken and she has the temper of a bull in heat. If only poor Carl had been watching where he was going on that fateful day, he never would have stubbed his toe on a ceramic lawn gnome in front of Big Bill Blaskey's Funtime Truck Stop, and he wouldn't have to feel the sting of Dolores' rolling pin on his testicles.

Ghosty Encounters of the Third Kind

On a dark and gloomy night the Bag Lady pushed her cart of assorted garbage past the local cemetery. Suddenly two apparitions appeared. Was he frightened? She didn't even notice - she's blind as a bat. But the apparitions noticed her and took off as fast as they could before she had the chance to ask for change. For they were tired of her always hassling them for change, especially since they were saving for a trip to Bermuda.

Quarter Ponder With Death

He had been on his way to Birdie's house. They'd been sleeping together for months. Everyone in McHappyland knew it and it didn't sit well with one particular resident. So he took his chance when he could, and with the help of a friend, he gunned Ronald McDonald down. We always knew he was a loose cannon and that one day his addiction to hamburgers would make him go too far. Now Big Mac was on the case and Mayor McCheese was stopping at nothing to solve this crime. But there had been no witnesses, or at least that's what Hamburglar thought...

Highway to Hell's Kitchen

Many years ago, two great chefs were on their way to the Mountain Souffle Jamboree Cook Off. They never made it. The roads were treacherous on that fateful Smarch day. And now, on the 13th hour of the 13th day of the 13th month their souls wander this road in hopes that passerby will sample their delicious souffle. Until someone does they will never rest in peace. Or so the legend of Free Willy says.

Woodn't It Be Slice

He cut him down in Nebraska, but then the bitch got up and started running. He ran through 37 of 50 states and now the end seemed near in Arizona. If only he could make it to the cliff he could tumble into the river, then the sea, then China, then FREEDOM!

Will There Ever Be A Rainbow?

They stole his father and hung him in a cage. If he didn't act fast, his dad would be shark food. He took on the Evil Dr. Kinevilstein's entire army to get here, to his jungle compound. But one man stood in his way - His BROTHER! The betrayal cut deep and was sprinkled with salt. Mmmmmm... salt rabbit...

Walker Races

Old Mr. Lambert had the most souped-up walker around. He was the envy of all the senior citizens in Bent Spoon Gulch Retirement Home. But Old Pierre Crotchensen had had enough of Lamberts flaunting. He knew his walker was just flashy and for keeping up appearances. So he challenged Lambert to a race, a true Tour de Force. This would settle it once and for all. And if not, he'll spike Lamberts Metamucil with Drano. That'll teach that piggly S.O.B.

A Life Well Spent

Starla always dreamed of making it big. She squandered the family fortune five times trying to get that jackpot. She knew her luck was bound to turn around. She's been playing the same machine for the past 86 years. What would she do with all of that money once when won? Why, she'll go to Vegas of course. It's been her dream.

Ghandi II: The Revenge

He was in a blind rage. All had been calm until he had gone to buy a refreshing ice-cold cola from the local Kwik Mart. But then the machine ate his change and did not give him his cola, and the cashier would not reimburse his 50 cents. If only she had known the terror that she was to bring upon herself, she would have reimbursed him. No one F$*&S with GHANDI!

Just Passin' Through

They met in the most awkward of places. Neither one could go around the other, so there was only one thing to do. She was so nervous, and he so full of anticipation. Would there be sparks? Would there be fireworks? Who knew how is minty fresh bursts would react when the moment came... Tantalizing!

The Burger King

His kingdom was under siege, and he was it's only protector. Come to think of it, he was the only subject in the kingdom. But what a kingdom it was! Two quarter pound all beef patties, crisp lettuce, a juicy slice of tomato, a delectable layer of cheese, all on a lightly toasted sesame seed bun. I mean come on, wouldn't you want a piece of that kingdom?

Socket To You

The year was 2012. Civilization has become extremely advanced. Far more advanced than that Jetson show, for they were living in the year 2000 and we were 12 years ahead of them. But there was one thing the Jetson's never predicted - IRRITATED EYES!!! And are they ever irritable! I mean all they do is complain, complain, complain...

I Come In Peace

He always tried to fit in but every time he got close to someone they'd pull a knife on him. Some say he's an odd duck, but you'd be a little odd too if you were born from a 30 piece bucket of fried chicken. It's a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us now, or where to go or say we're only dreaming. And no one to shank you as soon as you turn your back.

A Fair Fight

Two-Timing Nancy was up to her old tricks again. Out gallivanting with Tony Two-Shoes. Now, you see Nancy has a man - Angelo. And Angelo was a boxer in the Saint Alphonse Sunday School for Deaf Children Fighting Club. But Nancy made a mistake today, for she forgot that Angelo was going to be at the fair, the exact same fair where she and Tony Two-Shoes were going for a cotton candy treat. Lets just say they got more than they could chew - and a nasty case of gingivitis.

Peeking Duck

No one could see him in the shadows. That's where he liked to hide - making his way from alleyway to alleyway. He loved rummaging through the garbage. But today he got a special treat. It left him feeling confused, and hungry. So many emotions. How was it possible for so many clowns to fit into that tiny car? I mean, it's physically impossible!

Bewitched By A Sandwich

He had a job to do. He was in charge of putting dust bunnies under your couch, and little soap bubbles on the bar of soap. Oh, and making sure your underwear are always in a bunch. He was just a real nuisance, and that's the way he liked it. Oh, but what's this? What is that on the table? It looks so delicious, so wonderful! I cannot resist! I MUST HAVE IT! MINE! ALL MINE!!!!

No one ever saw him again...

Teleth-On My Friend, Teleth-On

They were up. It was their time to shine. They had practiced this number for months, and today it was coming to fruition. A lot was riding on this number, for their act alone could save the local chapter of The Old Time Bicycle Fire Brigade and Fancy Knicker Factory from certain doom. Alright, this is it boys. And a 5, 6, 7, 8...

Office Gossip

"Did you see Kenny and Joan at the get-together Friday night?"

"Oh My God. I thought she was eating his face. Total slut."

"And that god-awful dress Marguerite was wearing?"

"I know! She must have got it at the discount bin at Wal Mart"

"Hey now! That's where I got this tie"

"Oh. It looks good on you..."

Road Rage

She had what you'd call a "lead foot". She liked it Fast, she liked it Furious. But today a new challenger was on the roads. He was a Speed Demon, straight out of hell and he's looking for the Queen's Crown. With no regards for the rules of the road their battle races on. Life's pretty cheap for their kind.

Utterly Riduculous

Theirs was a special kind of love, a forbidden love. The townsfolk were against it - up in arms they were, saying it was 'unholy'. But their love remained strong. Nothing could tear them apart, not even a 29 tonne pool of tangy dill pickles accompanied by a lifetime supply of crackers.

Siren Song

Upon her rock she sits, wailing at the top of her lungs. No creature, Man or Beast, can resist. What does she sing?


"Meow Meow Meow Meow

Meow Meow Meow Meow

I want Chicken

I want Liver

Meow Mix, Meow Mix

Please De-Liv-Er"

Intergalactic Disco Inferno

Once a millennia the hottest bar in the galaxy opens its doors. Club 54.36217984503. Only the most hippest, coolest cats in the galaxy dock their space ships there for an evening of debauchery. Oh the debauchery. I was there once, and let me tell you, no one can do The Robot better than Model 647z5 - he's a trash compactor you know.

Damsel In Distress

It was the biggest challenge he had ever faced. His love was locked in the tower. Trapped, losing hope. The wretched beast was growing close. The putrid smell was overwhelming. But he could do it, for he was made with Hellman's Mayonnaise, and Hellman's Mayonnaise always gets the job done over it's competitors.


Hellman's Mayonnaise, it's the one


That always gets the big jobs done!

She's A Maneater

Whoa-o here she comes, watch out boy she'll chew you up. Watch out boys, WATCH OUT BOYS!

When Harry Met Sally

It all happened by chance. He was just hopping through the pond when suddenly she appeared - a radiant beauty.


"I was walking through the pond when this maniac in a top hat came frantically stumbling toward me. I was taken by surprise by his lewd behavior - and the smell was quiet overpowering."

Incognito

9:15. Time for their morning walk. Right on schedule. If he played his hand right he'd be two cards away from a Royal Flush. Oh but these Nuns, they're a tricky bunch. How could he make his dreams a reality? So close, so close...

Main Event

The best fighters in the galaxy came together for the Golden Walnut Challenge. A greuling two day event it was, and now it all comes down to this. One of these two will leave with the coveted Golden Walnut and reign supreme throughout the galaxy. The loser will be sent home to star in the annual broadway production of Flashdance.

Carrot Caper

Once again Pit Pattering, PI has taken the case! WHat sinister being could have done this? Probably that evil Dr. MacAllistair, up to one of his evil schemes. Probably needs carrot juice to power one of his evil robots. Or he's making a delightful salad, who knows?

Fire Prevention

Jesus H Christ! Somebody stop that match! He's lost his mind! Buckey - throw some water on him! I'll get the shovel and we'll beat hm into submission. That's right Mr. TNT. Keep dancin' - you're next.

The Wild Wild East

Travelling throughout these parts can be quite dangerous. It gets so damn hot you could fry an egg on your nipple. What's that? Never heard of it? It's delicious! You must try it - that's the main reason people travel this way. Many a man has died for the salty sweet taste of Nipple Fried Egg.

Bump In The Night

"Look in the mirror. Take a good long look. What do you see? Do you see to the depths of your soul? Do you see the past? The future? What is it? Tell me. TELL ME. I can't wait at this window all day."

...for the last time Bowie, go home.

Land Of The Midnight Sun

The Great Chili Cookoff was about to commence! But what's this? SABOTAGE!!! All the chili has been stolen? What miscreant would do such a thing? There's only one man for this job - Pat Pattering, PI. He'll take the case!

The Encounter

It happened just like that. I was walking the desolate streets alone. I thought I was the only one, but there you are. I can sense it in your heart that we are one. It feels like my entire life has led to this very moment. If only I wasn't deaf and mute perhaps it could have been.

Off The Wagon

Puff was doing so well. He'd been sober for 386 years. Old Fuzzknuckle just had to go and say the wrong thing. He always was a bad seed, what with his red beard. A real ginger - soulless, nothing but pure fire inside. Did he ever stop to think of how his actions would effect the other woodland inhabitants? Last time Puff fell off the wagon he ran off to Vegas and married a stripper. Shelonda never was able to adjust to life in the Woodland.

American Beauty

After Cleetus bought his monster truck the neighbours wouldn't leave his yard. Always gawking at the shiny read vehicle parked out by the woodpile. Oh great, there's Charlene. Seems she's been into the sauce again. You can always tell 'cause of her wonky eye. She was once a graceful beauty, now she's over 400 pounds and won't stop wearing halter tops and short shorts. I hear she has the clap...

Trouble In Candyland

"RED ALERT! RED ALERT! All confectionery treats to battle stations! This is what we've trained for, boys! You didn't think this day was coming. You all thought I was crazy, laughing at me! Well who's right now??"


And with that, a hush fell over the land of candy...

Paranoia WIll Destroy 'Ya

**rustle, rustle** "What was that?" **creak, creak** "OK, that was definitely something. Who's out there? I know you're out there! I'm calling the cops. CLANCEY! There's someone outside! Go out there and see who it is. It's probably those no-good punks again. My husband's coming out there! He's 8 feet tall with tree-trunk arms..."


...Oh poor Mrs. Patterson. Her dementia's acting up again.

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Racket in the Rumpus Room

Why Won't You Go Away?

My Smokey Heart Bleeds Tobacco (For You)

For The Last Time, I Ain't Yo Baby's Daddy

My Pogo Stick's A-Hoppin' Right Down Yo Manhole

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A Day At The Shore

Everything was fine until that Hussy walked onto the beach. Cherry Bomb was her name, teasing men was her game. She'd get them all riled up then throw them away like a moldy bag of tangerines. But today something was wrong. The men weren't paying attention, except for that creep in the banana hammock. Let's just say the beach was a little more "fruity" today *wink wink*

Gang Wars!

They had wandered onto the wrong turf. What was meant to be a pleasant trip to the Malt Shoppe turned into an eternal struggle for survival. The lines were drawn. Tempers were flaring. This is it, boys. Today they were no longer Little Girls, they were Little Women.

You Should Have Switched To Geico

Think about it. Think of all the money you could have saved by switching to Geico.

Le Cirque De Suck-A

Do do doodle-o do do do doodle-o de do do do do do doodle-oodle-oodle-do!