Teleth-On My Friend, Teleth-On

They were up. It was their time to shine. They had practiced this number for months, and today it was coming to fruition. A lot was riding on this number, for their act alone could save the local chapter of The Old Time Bicycle Fire Brigade and Fancy Knicker Factory from certain doom. Alright, this is it boys. And a 5, 6, 7, 8...

Office Gossip

"Did you see Kenny and Joan at the get-together Friday night?"

"Oh My God. I thought she was eating his face. Total slut."

"And that god-awful dress Marguerite was wearing?"

"I know! She must have got it at the discount bin at Wal Mart"

"Hey now! That's where I got this tie"

"Oh. It looks good on you..."

Road Rage

She had what you'd call a "lead foot". She liked it Fast, she liked it Furious. But today a new challenger was on the roads. He was a Speed Demon, straight out of hell and he's looking for the Queen's Crown. With no regards for the rules of the road their battle races on. Life's pretty cheap for their kind.

Utterly Riduculous

Theirs was a special kind of love, a forbidden love. The townsfolk were against it - up in arms they were, saying it was 'unholy'. But their love remained strong. Nothing could tear them apart, not even a 29 tonne pool of tangy dill pickles accompanied by a lifetime supply of crackers.

Siren Song

Upon her rock she sits, wailing at the top of her lungs. No creature, Man or Beast, can resist. What does she sing?


"Meow Meow Meow Meow

Meow Meow Meow Meow

I want Chicken

I want Liver

Meow Mix, Meow Mix

Please De-Liv-Er"

Intergalactic Disco Inferno

Once a millennia the hottest bar in the galaxy opens its doors. Club 54.36217984503. Only the most hippest, coolest cats in the galaxy dock their space ships there for an evening of debauchery. Oh the debauchery. I was there once, and let me tell you, no one can do The Robot better than Model 647z5 - he's a trash compactor you know.

Damsel In Distress

It was the biggest challenge he had ever faced. His love was locked in the tower. Trapped, losing hope. The wretched beast was growing close. The putrid smell was overwhelming. But he could do it, for he was made with Hellman's Mayonnaise, and Hellman's Mayonnaise always gets the job done over it's competitors.


Hellman's Mayonnaise, it's the one


That always gets the big jobs done!

She's A Maneater

Whoa-o here she comes, watch out boy she'll chew you up. Watch out boys, WATCH OUT BOYS!

When Harry Met Sally

It all happened by chance. He was just hopping through the pond when suddenly she appeared - a radiant beauty.


"I was walking through the pond when this maniac in a top hat came frantically stumbling toward me. I was taken by surprise by his lewd behavior - and the smell was quiet overpowering."

Incognito

9:15. Time for their morning walk. Right on schedule. If he played his hand right he'd be two cards away from a Royal Flush. Oh but these Nuns, they're a tricky bunch. How could he make his dreams a reality? So close, so close...

Main Event

The best fighters in the galaxy came together for the Golden Walnut Challenge. A greuling two day event it was, and now it all comes down to this. One of these two will leave with the coveted Golden Walnut and reign supreme throughout the galaxy. The loser will be sent home to star in the annual broadway production of Flashdance.

Carrot Caper

Once again Pit Pattering, PI has taken the case! WHat sinister being could have done this? Probably that evil Dr. MacAllistair, up to one of his evil schemes. Probably needs carrot juice to power one of his evil robots. Or he's making a delightful salad, who knows?

Fire Prevention

Jesus H Christ! Somebody stop that match! He's lost his mind! Buckey - throw some water on him! I'll get the shovel and we'll beat hm into submission. That's right Mr. TNT. Keep dancin' - you're next.

The Wild Wild East

Travelling throughout these parts can be quite dangerous. It gets so damn hot you could fry an egg on your nipple. What's that? Never heard of it? It's delicious! You must try it - that's the main reason people travel this way. Many a man has died for the salty sweet taste of Nipple Fried Egg.

Bump In The Night

"Look in the mirror. Take a good long look. What do you see? Do you see to the depths of your soul? Do you see the past? The future? What is it? Tell me. TELL ME. I can't wait at this window all day."

...for the last time Bowie, go home.

Land Of The Midnight Sun

The Great Chili Cookoff was about to commence! But what's this? SABOTAGE!!! All the chili has been stolen? What miscreant would do such a thing? There's only one man for this job - Pat Pattering, PI. He'll take the case!

The Encounter

It happened just like that. I was walking the desolate streets alone. I thought I was the only one, but there you are. I can sense it in your heart that we are one. It feels like my entire life has led to this very moment. If only I wasn't deaf and mute perhaps it could have been.

Off The Wagon

Puff was doing so well. He'd been sober for 386 years. Old Fuzzknuckle just had to go and say the wrong thing. He always was a bad seed, what with his red beard. A real ginger - soulless, nothing but pure fire inside. Did he ever stop to think of how his actions would effect the other woodland inhabitants? Last time Puff fell off the wagon he ran off to Vegas and married a stripper. Shelonda never was able to adjust to life in the Woodland.

American Beauty

After Cleetus bought his monster truck the neighbours wouldn't leave his yard. Always gawking at the shiny read vehicle parked out by the woodpile. Oh great, there's Charlene. Seems she's been into the sauce again. You can always tell 'cause of her wonky eye. She was once a graceful beauty, now she's over 400 pounds and won't stop wearing halter tops and short shorts. I hear she has the clap...

Trouble In Candyland

"RED ALERT! RED ALERT! All confectionery treats to battle stations! This is what we've trained for, boys! You didn't think this day was coming. You all thought I was crazy, laughing at me! Well who's right now??"


And with that, a hush fell over the land of candy...

Paranoia WIll Destroy 'Ya

**rustle, rustle** "What was that?" **creak, creak** "OK, that was definitely something. Who's out there? I know you're out there! I'm calling the cops. CLANCEY! There's someone outside! Go out there and see who it is. It's probably those no-good punks again. My husband's coming out there! He's 8 feet tall with tree-trunk arms..."


...Oh poor Mrs. Patterson. Her dementia's acting up again.

Can I Borrow A Feeling

The new hit album from legendary blues artist Alphonse Beeswanger. Includes such hits as:

Racket in the Rumpus Room

Why Won't You Go Away?

My Smokey Heart Bleeds Tobacco (For You)

For The Last Time, I Ain't Yo Baby's Daddy

My Pogo Stick's A-Hoppin' Right Down Yo Manhole

...And Many More!

Pre-order your copy today! Order in the next 5 minutes and receive a complementary 5 pound jar of expired mayonnaise!

A Day At The Shore

Everything was fine until that Hussy walked onto the beach. Cherry Bomb was her name, teasing men was her game. She'd get them all riled up then throw them away like a moldy bag of tangerines. But today something was wrong. The men weren't paying attention, except for that creep in the banana hammock. Let's just say the beach was a little more "fruity" today *wink wink*

Gang Wars!

They had wandered onto the wrong turf. What was meant to be a pleasant trip to the Malt Shoppe turned into an eternal struggle for survival. The lines were drawn. Tempers were flaring. This is it, boys. Today they were no longer Little Girls, they were Little Women.

You Should Have Switched To Geico

Think about it. Think of all the money you could have saved by switching to Geico.

Le Cirque De Suck-A

Do do doodle-o do do do doodle-o de do do do do do doodle-oodle-oodle-do!

Lets All Go To The Lobby

Remember those opening sequences in the movie theaters about confectionery treats? They kicked ass. I sometimes wish they made a movie about them. Whatever happened to Hottie the Hotdog or Doughy the Doughnut? Did they retire, or are they in some old age home, suffering from dementia, always trying to form parades? Well they still have two fans left who would join in the parade.

The Devil Went Down To Georgia

Everyone was full of anticipation. The Devil was on his way home from his yearly vacation. He always brings home the best presents. Last year he brought me a pony. But the year before that all I got was a plague of locusts - not such a good year. Looks like the rutabaga farmer finally got that reindeer he wanted.

The Greatest Race

BANG! And they're off! The race had begun. Train, air balloon, unicycle and by foot - any means necessary to get to their goal. But where are they going? No one told them where the finish line was. Old Man Clancey was just shootin' his gun off to get the kids off of his yard. My money's on the bearded lady.

Poseidon's Underwater Adventures

Deep beneath the waves is a realm of mystery, a realm of suspense. You never know what might happen, for not many people venture down this far. Oh sure, the creatures of the deep will show you a good time, but watch out when they get into that seafood sauce. I'll tell you how to get there - just follow the chicken.

A Sea Shanty

I once knew a fisherman's daughter

Who smelled of the briney sea.

Whenever she went a walkin'

The men would dance with glee

For the whole town knew she was easy

But not easy enough for me. Yar!