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It all came down to this. He had hobbled many many miles to get here, devoured bucket upon bucket of fried chicken consumed gallons and gallons of hooch, sooked and whined and bitched. It had been an arduous journey, and the Majestic Creatures had had enough of him, even though he had just gotten there. Some say Old Man Clancey will never find a home, but I say he's found a home in our hearts, the piggly, balding, big gay baby.
The wind was cold that day, sending a shiver right down my spine. I had spent my last $10 on a jug of Large Marge's Grade A Hooch and I had finally hit rock bottom. How did I come to this conclusion? The peg-legged hooker from Backdoor Alley was introducing me to my son for the first time. He's 28 years old and has a penchant for huffing spoiled milk. He also enjoys reading and long walks on the beach.
Ethel enjoyed writing her stories, but most of all she loved money. Her husband gave her a substantial weekly allowance, but she wanted more, and her husband had quite a large life insurance policy. Her good friend, Darcina, was always telling her to do him in and split the money. But Darcina was a drunk who talked all sorts of crazy talk. Oh but that life insurance...
It was opening night. Everyone was so nervous. Toes were curling, crotches were bulging; so much anticipation for this performance! But the Crotch Bulge Comptroller was on patrol that evening and poor Guenter didn't know what he was in for as he did his mid-air split jump. I'm sad to say that the review of Professor Zulu and the Space Cats from Planet 5 was not a favourable one.
There are only 4 left...
It's the Final Countdown!
Do do do do, do do do do do,
Do do do do, do do do do do do do.
Doodle-o, doodle-o, doodle-o, doodle-o,
Da Dodoot dodoot dodoot do do do dodoot
Doooooooooooooooo Dooooooooooooo!
Little Fritzy was a curious little fish. He had so many questions all of the time and was always excited to try new things. But today Little Fritzy's world was about to change. He was about to experience the harsh realities of the surface world. Once little nibble was all it would take and Little Fritzy would be today's Seafood Surprise at Crazy Ishmaels Cheesy Clam Emporium Restaurant and Nipple Tassel Boutique.
After their bellies were filled with the innocent and the city lay mostly in rubble, the rampaging duo were feeling that life was still unfulfilled. Sure the destruction was fun and all, but what's it all for? So they sat down and started thinking of career choices that best suited them. After much research there was only one conclusion - they were going to Clown College, and no one was getting in their way.
After Carl has stubbed his toe and was put in a full body cast due to his massive injuries he had to be put in the care of his estranged wife, Dolores. What can one say about Dolores? She's certainly no spring chicken and she has the temper of a bull in heat. If only poor Carl had been watching where he was going on that fateful day, he never would have stubbed his toe on a ceramic lawn gnome in front of Big Bill Blaskey's Funtime Truck Stop, and he wouldn't have to feel the sting of Dolores' rolling pin on his testicles.
On a dark and gloomy night the Bag Lady pushed her cart of assorted garbage past the local cemetery. Suddenly two apparitions appeared. Was he frightened? She didn't even notice - she's blind as a bat. But the apparitions noticed her and took off as fast as they could before she had the chance to ask for change. For they were tired of her always hassling them for change, especially since they were saving for a trip to Bermuda.
He had been on his way to Birdie's house. They'd been sleeping together for months. Everyone in McHappyland knew it and it didn't sit well with one particular resident. So he took his chance when he could, and with the help of a friend, he gunned Ronald McDonald down. We always knew he was a loose cannon and that one day his addiction to hamburgers would make him go too far. Now Big Mac was on the case and Mayor McCheese was stopping at nothing to solve this crime. But there had been no witnesses, or at least that's what Hamburglar thought...
Many years ago, two great chefs were on their way to the Mountain Souffle Jamboree Cook Off. They never made it. The roads were treacherous on that fateful Smarch day. And now, on the 13th hour of the 13th day of the 13th month their souls wander this road in hopes that passerby will sample their delicious souffle. Until someone does they will never rest in peace. Or so the legend of Free Willy says.
He cut him down in Nebraska, but then the bitch got up and started running. He ran through 37 of 50 states and now the end seemed near in Arizona. If only he could make it to the cliff he could tumble into the river, then the sea, then China, then FREEDOM!
They stole his father and hung him in a cage. If he didn't act fast, his dad would be shark food. He took on the Evil Dr. Kinevilstein's entire army to get here, to his jungle compound. But one man stood in his way - His BROTHER! The betrayal cut deep and was sprinkled with salt. Mmmmmm... salt rabbit...
Old Mr. Lambert had the most souped-up walker around. He was the envy of all the senior citizens in Bent Spoon Gulch Retirement Home. But Old Pierre Crotchensen had had enough of Lamberts flaunting. He knew his walker was just flashy and for keeping up appearances. So he challenged Lambert to a race, a true Tour de Force. This would settle it once and for all. And if not, he'll spike Lamberts Metamucil with Drano. That'll teach that piggly S.O.B.
Starla always dreamed of making it big. She squandered the family fortune five times trying to get that jackpot. She knew her luck was bound to turn around. She's been playing the same machine for the past 86 years. What would she do with all of that money once when won? Why, she'll go to Vegas of course. It's been her dream.
He was in a blind rage. All had been calm until he had gone to buy a refreshing ice-cold cola from the local Kwik Mart. But then the machine ate his change and did not give him his cola, and the cashier would not reimburse his 50 cents. If only she had known the terror that she was to bring upon herself, she would have reimbursed him. No one F$*&S with GHANDI!
They met in the most awkward of places. Neither one could go around the other, so there was only one thing to do. She was so nervous, and he so full of anticipation. Would there be sparks? Would there be fireworks? Who knew how is minty fresh bursts would react when the moment came... Tantalizing!
His kingdom was under siege, and he was it's only protector. Come to think of it, he was the only subject in the kingdom. But what a kingdom it was! Two quarter pound all beef patties, crisp lettuce, a juicy slice of tomato, a delectable layer of cheese, all on a lightly toasted sesame seed bun. I mean come on, wouldn't you want a piece of that kingdom?
The year was 2012. Civilization has become extremely advanced. Far more advanced than that Jetson show, for they were living in the year 2000 and we were 12 years ahead of them. But there was one thing the Jetson's never predicted - IRRITATED EYES!!! And are they ever irritable! I mean all they do is complain, complain, complain...
He always tried to fit in but every time he got close to someone they'd pull a knife on him. Some say he's an odd duck, but you'd be a little odd too if you were born from a 30 piece bucket of fried chicken. It's a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us now, or where to go or say we're only dreaming. And no one to shank you as soon as you turn your back.
Two-Timing Nancy was up to her old tricks again. Out gallivanting with Tony Two-Shoes. Now, you see Nancy has a man - Angelo. And Angelo was a boxer in the Saint Alphonse Sunday School for Deaf Children Fighting Club. But Nancy made a mistake today, for she forgot that Angelo was going to be at the fair, the exact same fair where she and Tony Two-Shoes were going for a cotton candy treat. Lets just say they got more than they could chew - and a nasty case of gingivitis.
No one could see him in the shadows. That's where he liked to hide - making his way from alleyway to alleyway. He loved rummaging through the garbage. But today he got a special treat. It left him feeling confused, and hungry. So many emotions. How was it possible for so many clowns to fit into that tiny car? I mean, it's physically impossible!
He had a job to do. He was in charge of putting dust bunnies under your couch, and little soap bubbles on the bar of soap. Oh, and making sure your underwear are always in a bunch. He was just a real nuisance, and that's the way he liked it. Oh, but what's this? What is that on the table? It looks so delicious, so wonderful! I cannot resist! I MUST HAVE IT! MINE! ALL MINE!!!!
No one ever saw him again...
